I’ve known you forever.
And I’m not just saying that figuratively. Really…I’ve known you forever.
I’ve known you since the Universe flashed into existence and flung outward the particles that would coalesce into us. That unbearable heat that sent us barreling into the inky blackness of the void with no other intention but to burn off the Old Energy. To fight back against gravity for whatever it would prove to be worth. Heinrich had it right: “Aliveness is to resist inertia”
…and there was life within that purity.
The Old Energy is funny, though. Sometimes it streaks across the heavens like wild photons. Other times it lazes, like quiet moons. Timing is everything, or so they say, and we all take different paths towards the same destiny of no-thingness. Interdependence is a funny thing, too.
We had different Dharma, all the same, you and I. We ended up here, as it were, just slightly out of step with one another. Perhaps it just turned out that I was here ahead of the time, though I must ponder that possibility advisedly. Lest the balance be knocked off kilter.
What I do know is this:
Somewhere along the path, someone caused you to believe you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was unspoken, yet there was this odd feeling that you lacked adequacy, that you didn’t deserve to be loved because you failed to hold a standard that seemed oddly vague and unspecified. The thought of this brings me a mild pang of recognition. As if I know the precise feeling of the experience. As if this has all happened before.
But you had to try. They were all you knew, really. They were all you had.
Besides, it wasn’t in your nature to not try. The thought of giving up was simply incongruent with you. The dissonance was unbearable. I know this…I know you! You had to try to do something to mask the hurt you had to do something that They could see, so you could stand up and shout:
“I’m here! Why don’t you see me?! Why can’t you just accept me and love me? LOOK, look at what I DID! IS IT NOT GOOD ENOUGH?”
So you kept trying – you burnt your mind out flooding over academics and snapped sinews with athletic effort and tore your body asunder trying to do something, anything that was good enough for them.
The goalposts moved, though.
And you persevered.
I felt you, sometimes. I saw you in my own reflection and your tenacity – your sheer WILL – was enough to rend me.
But I know you. I’ve known you forever. You and I have always been on the same trajectory. Our paths were the same, but the timing was all different. The Universe has its way, and who am I to think it owes me anything? Least not explanations for the affairs of humans.
People ask me why I don’t speak to Them anymore. Those without understanding tell me it is inconceivable; monstrous. They are missing the point. There is nothing hateful about the choice I have made. The reality is that the choice to walk away from Them was the last labor of love I had left. It was a selfless act of ripping a piece of my heart out, willfully handing it over, and refusing to be motivated by hate and spite and pain any longer. I didn’t want thought of them to be littered with resentment and scatter-shot “fuck-yous”.
And you know what?
If I could have it all back, I’d do it all the same. Every last bit of it. In a billion realities, in a billion alternate dimensions, if the Universe collapsed on itself and re-banged into existence a billion times…
I would choose the same me. Again…and again…and again.
…The heartache, the pain, the alcohol, the drugs.
…The suicidal ideation, the divorce, the financial mess.
…The career in a gutter, the life in a gutter, the soul in a gutter.
All of the shit I crawled through.
All of the glass the I was dragged through.
All of the kicks while I was trying to move forward.
I would do it ALL again.
Because every moment of my life, from the start, has unfolded exactly as was intended. Because the moments, as agonizing as they were. We structured exactly as they should have been…
To lead me…
So that I can tell you I’ve been there. So that I can tell you that I was never really free until I learned to ignore everyone else’s goal posts but MINE. So that I can tell you that I never really knew how to love myself or ANYONE until I learned to let go of the hate and resentment I had toward Them.
Until I chose to walk away and LOVE Them, instead.
To love MYSELF.
When you are on that call with me and you tell me that you feel like we know each other, you are more right than you can possible imagine.
I’ve known you forever.